What's going on at the BBC

And if you believe that you can platt marmalade.

It is only my opinion but normally when the chiefs declare war on spending, it is usually a war on somebody else’s rather than their own.

Let’s face it, they have been spending money like water. Have you ever tried to spend water? It’s not easy. It’s so difficult to carry. Here’s a thought. Rather than just taking water to trade, take a fish.

I Googled these claims. (the bits in italics) Many of my Googles may now have been superceded but these are genuine reports from boni fidi sources. These are different to bono fido stories which usually originate from Crufts.

The BBC paid £22million to 19 stars who are all on more than £500,000 per year. Allegedly Graham Norton and Gary Lineker, on an estimated £2million a year each, and Alan Hansen, who earns a reported £1.4million.

I confess, I do happen to like Graham Norton but I have been entertained just as well while drinking in bars in Liverpool and for free. Did you know, there are more comedians per pub in Liverpool than anywhere else in the world?

You can be on the floor, holding your sides, screaming with laughter and Mr Talent even buys his own beer.

I do like gay humour although I am not about to join the transfer list and play for the other side.

By the way, whatever happened to ‘shut that door’ and ‘look at the muck in here’?

Only those of a certain age will have a clue what I’m talking about.

£2 million is a lot to pay anybody for anything.

I personally think Gary Lineker comes across as a genuinely nice guy and I’m sure Alan Hansen was a great defender at Anfield but surely no channel needs to pay a king’s ranson for anybody to to tell us ‘football is a game of two halves’ or ‘if they get a goal in the first half and the other team don’t, they will be one up’. Or do we?

My brother can tell you that for nothing, even with his mouth full of beer and crips.

We should start a campaign. ‘PUT MY BROTHER ON THE TELLY’.

Better still let’s try and get my distant cousin Fred Smith on as a pundit and he could also do a crisp advert. ‘We only ever eat crips with the family name’. Who said Golden Wonder?

The BBC refuse to reveal who their top earners are for legal and commercial reasons.

Despite prpomising cuts in 2009-10 they paid out £26million to 21 people.

As a licence payer, I resent paying ridiculous rewards to ridiculous people that work for what is supposed to be a ‘public service'.

Private sector workers have experienced pay freezes and job losses while at the Beeb there was an increase in the number of people earning between £250,000 and £499,999.

A year ago. there were 26 people in that pay bracket – and now there are 33. The number of people on between £100,000 and £149,999 also increased from 129 to 142.

Anne Robinson is reputed to be paid £1million a year, Jeremy Paxman on £800,000 and Today show presenter John Humphrys, £625,000.

Anne only asks questions. I can do that. Just ask Miss in class if you don’t believe me; ‘who asks the most banal questions’? She will tell you it’s me. In fact she has often said I could host my own quiz show.

She also answers ‘shut up’ quite often and I have to tell her that is not the right answer.

And dear John Humphries, he is such a nice man. I’m sure he actually hates telling us bad news and that if he were allowed to he would make up some good news to brighten up our days.

Have you noticed how on news programmes they always read the newspaper headlines? I say if they are getting well paid to feed us with news let them find their own news. Still I suppose it saves on buying the paper. If only they could intersperse crossword clues among their stories it would save me getting the Express.

BBC Trust chairman Lord Patten has pledged to crack down on pay, but still the total bill for talent came in at £212million, down from £221million in 2009-10.

The report ranks talent by paybands but groups everyone earning from £500,000 up to £5million together.

Lord Patten said the corporation was not 'hiding' anything and there was 'no fundamental human right' for the public to know about a celebrity's pay packet.

I have griped and moaned ad infinitum about the BBC. We are not asked to pay a licence fee we are forced. They will claim we get first class broadcasting. It is a matter of opinion. They have repeatedly said they have to pay the top money for the top talent.

Talent? Well excuse me for breathing. Take Jonathon Ross as an example. I’m sure he’s good to his mother but talented?

They were paying millions for him with our money but for what talent? Poppycock more like! If getting up my nose is a talent he has a bucketful. So has my nose at the moment. I think it is hay fever.

Now another channel has been lumbered with him. I say bring back the ‘test card’. That was as talented and colourful.

And what about ‘the potter’s wheel’? Ok so it was boring but at least you learned a skill while watching the telly. Before you know it, we will be nation of pot throwers and Stoke will be our capital city. The potter’s wheel could trigger resurgence in our manufacturing of bespoke pee pots and boost our export business. Job centres can all have one instead of someone advising that there are no jobs.

This country is full of talented people who would sell their grandmothers to work on the Beeb so why not give them a chance?

So called talent shows prove it. They queue in their thousands to appear for nothing. Put their name in lights and they will do anything.

Take a TV camera to the Edinburgh Fringe for a month. They are enough shows to fill a full year on the telly.

There are some really bad acts but they would fit in very well but there are also some very good acts that would do well on any channel.

You might even see Charlie and I doing our double act. ‘We’ll have two whiskys please. Better make those doubles’.

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