Health and safety at its best

Is it now a case of, ‘this is 999, Houdini speaking, how can I not help you?’ This is health and safety at its best. Our country has allowed it to happen. You can forget kids being allowed to run the egg and spoon race, in case they fall.

If I had my way, I’d get the kids on to the street and throw the eggs at the health and safety commission.

Sack races have been banned at school. I don’t quite understand why. With employment not as secure as it used to be, children have to learn how to get the sack, then ‘pick themselves up, dust themselves down and start all over again’.

Maybe I wouldn’t encourage the three-legged race. You know how cruel kids can be when they watch a three-legged child who always wins.

I once knew a man who bred three legged chickens. When I asked him what they tasted like he said ‘I don’t know I can’t catch them’.

Get this mad example I found. ‘A crowd of more than 2,000 people assembled in a field in Ilfracombe, Devon, to watch a virtual bonfire on a big screen. Heaters were arranged strategically around the field to give the sensation and warmth of a real bonfire and loudspeakers played the sound of wood crackling.’ Where do they find these people?

And the country is so litigious. When I had my stroke, the ambulance crew was not allowed to break in to my house to get me out.

Take it from me, the last thing you think about when you believe you’re gasping your last breath is suing people.

They had to wait for the police to break in.

But, I have to hand it to my saviour, he got in without breaking anything, and without leaving finger prints. I suppose that to understand the criminal mind you have to have to learn certain skills.

Anyway he saved my life and I am eternally grateful to him. We have a bond.

He carefully lifted my head to determine as best as he could my condition, while the paramedics donned their Marigolds and faffed around with their equipment.

Then planting his naked lips on to mine began to give me what I thought was the kiss of life. I didn’t know resuscitation involved tongues but he seemed to be enjoying himself and I was to weak to resist.

I was, in fact, paralysed but I remembered thinking, ‘if we kiss any more passionately surely we’ll have to get engaged’.

He assisted in lifting me gently on to a stretcher taking great care that my hands were resting together on my stomach and then uttered these unforgettable words. ‘Ok, cuff him and take him down’. Maybe it comes with the training.

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