Modern tennis is an acquired taste

She watches Wimbledon and then replays every match. She is a very passionate woman. I mean she is passionate about tennis, I don’t know if she’s passionate in the biblical sense but if she’d rather spend summer with the curtains drawn enjoying rain on the telly it’s her choice.

Personally I think modern tennis is an acquired taste.

Ms Nomates and I prefer to watch something much more exciting such as Fred Dibnah’s Age of Steam and the lasting influences of the Victorian era.

When he demonstrates his skill in demolishing chimneys Ms Nomates begins to tremble, becomes putty in my hands and we play our own kind of tennis, tonsil tennis.

When I was but a boy I preferred watching ladies play tennis. Obviously!

Sue Barker was a heartthrob and Martina Navratilova won ‘the heart of many a poor boy and God I know I’m one’.

What a disappointment to men everywhere to discover that she batted for the other side.

Men serve too fast. Women’s tennis is easier on old necks. Left-right-left-right-left-right.

It’s much slower and I can just about see the women’s balls flying back and forth. (Stop that. You’re making your own Russian jokes up).

Ladies multi-task; they play and model designer sportswear at the same time.

One girl screams like a banshee when she hits a ball. She’s the one who is promoting lemonade. Not ‘R White’, her name is Nockta Crateapopoff.

Her yelps and whines make it sound as though she’s giving birth to a tennis racket.

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