Olive Oyl is not real, but Coronation Street is definitely real

Not that Greggs’ pies make a noise, you understand. A quiet moment is what I meant.

A woman came screaming. ‘You’re Billy Nomates, the man who writes rubbish. Your picture is in the paper’.

I tried to explain that it was an artist’s drawing of a made up character. Billy is like Andy Capp. His words come out of a cartoon character’s mouth.

Ms Nomates is fictitious. The real lady in my life is the most wonderful woman in the world, apart from Ms Nomates.

I’m sorry if I’ve spoiled things for anybody but for the sake of my ‘accoster’ and her barmy husband who also wanted to abuse me, maybe I should divulge some media secrets.

Firstly, Andy Capp, Flo, Popeye and Olive Oyl are not real. Coronation Street is definitely real.

Our Prime Minister thinks he’s real. The tiny people we see on TV are real but they are not really inside the TV.

The Addams family was made up; the actors have retired and spend their time accosting people outside Greggs.

Why do people read my drivel? Let’s face it that’s what it is but I am ever so pleased you do, in large numbers. I speak through Billy. If I were clever I could approach The Times but as it is I know I’m thick as a butty. I try my hand at comedy, some work, some fails, that’s life. I do worry when people identify with a topic and believe it to be written personally for them. My accuser believes that I think he is stupid, or a least that’s what he told me. I had never met the man before. If his wife thinks it’s me in the picture why spoil it? The picture makes me appear to be better looking than I actually am.

I do not shout at people in the street so I don’t know why they thought it appropriate to be abusive to me in front of others. Drink maybe?

Billy says what people tell and I try to put my own stamp on it. Talking of stamps a postmistress told me that when her post office was broken into the police offered her reassurance by leaving an empty police car outside the shop just in case the criminals came back.

They were too busy to stay and help her. You see I don’t make it up! It comes to me. You give it to me every day. Politicians, the health service, social services, the courts, health and safety, call centres and customer services are gifts to someone who wants to have a go while telling the truth and if I report anything there has to be real evidence to back it up. I have mountains of the stuff.

But do you know who you tell me about the most? I won’t say it. You stand behind me and say it for me. I’ll take a look in my rear view mirror. ECILOP.

Finally, to my ‘accosters’, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

You have given Billy more words than enough.

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