Not many ladies with double-barrelled names ever write to me

What surprised me was that despite your self-deprecation I thought you have been far too modest. You are in fact an extremely handsome man who looks far younger than you would have us believe and if you don’t mind me saying, I think you have great sex appeal.

If Ms Nomates should ever leave you remember you have an admirer here. I would definitely have you scrubbed and sent to my tent. xxxxx Yours lovingly Mrs B. Leind-Asabat

Dear Mrs B. Leind-Asabat, Forget the scrub, I am clean you know. You’re not from these parts are you? Where do you shop? You don’t use your own bags do you and leave them unattended do you? Shoot me down (on second thoughts ignore that) if I’m wrong but you sound like someone on the edge.

Not many ladies with double-barrelled names ever write to me. It is the only double barrel you have I hope? Come to think of it more ladies wrote to Ronnie Rover than me.

At the ‘do’ the artistes went down a bomb as we say, or perhaps we shouldn’t say in front of certain company. I do thank you for your kind words.

Me handsome? Never. Maybe you see beauty in a different way than others but nevertheless I do appreciate it.

The night was indeed a great success and we raised more than £1,000 for Guide Dogs.

Have you ever considered applying for one yourself? In all the years Ms Nomates and I have been together she has never called me handsome when she’s been sober or even when sozzled.

She has called me many things when she’s had a few but handsome, never. She says that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I just wish she would behold me a little better instead of her futile attempts at humour.

What is worse is she uses Beatles songs to do it.

At the top of her voice I hear her berate me with an out of tune version of, ‘I am the egg man. They are the egg men. I am the walrus. Goo goo g’ joob’ followed by, ‘Boy, you're going to carry that weight. Carry that weight a long time. Boy, you're going to carry that weight. Carry that weight a long time.’ She says she loves my big belly but she wishes it were on somebody else.

I tried to make Ms Nomates jealous by telling her, that you Mrs B. Leind-Asabat think I cut a quite a dash, only to start her singing again, ‘Keep on running’.

I was interested to notice you have a tent. We had one but Ms Nomates and I now take care of a caravan. No not a train of camels but a two-berth, sexy little thing we call Abi. I call her sexy because she is always getting pulled.

By the way are the five crosses at the end of your letter meant to be kisses or did you think you were filling in your pools coupon?

Yours truly, Billy

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