Do you think my marriage is over?

Yours truly, Bewildered

Dear Bewildered,

I think the words you are looking for are vasectomy and hysterectomy, words that drive fear into men and women alike.

I don’t believe she wants you to look for another job vacancy.

Anyway, with 11 kids how have you found time to work. It occurs to me you would be as well to send her down the pits, she obviously has a strong back. (There will be letters).

Your beloved is simply suggesting that one of you should make a sacrifice and give away that part of you which makes babies.

In case you don’t know, it’s our bits that do it. There is one exception to the rule, which is the occasional baby (not like an occasional table) is born of ‘immaculate conception’. This is where no physical contact is made between the mother and the father.

This miracle usually occurs when hubby is away at sea and /or baby is a slightly different colour to dad.

She wants you doctored, and in truth it is a simpler procedure to doctor a man.

It is not exactly brain surgery despite the belief of women that a man’s brain is in his nether region.

If it were actually brain surgery it would be far easier to operate on a woman. There is less to work through. (Ouch. Get back woman!) If it reassures you, I have had the snip as it is affectionately called and it is not as the jokes would have you believe, performed with two bricks. That is just plain silly.

The truth is the surgeon uses a razor-sharp 12-inch blade to make a large incision in your privates then opens the target area with a chain saw in order to make room for the garden loppers to pull out any hope of ever contributing to the continuation of the species.

A welding machine is then used to hold you together again. ‘Simples.’ It is a very short procedure carried out without the use of an anaesthetic.

What is scary is that you have to expose yourself to a male doctor and a coven of judgemental nurses. It is not reassuring to be told they have seen it all before.

Not mine they haven’t, unless I’ve flashed at the wrong house.

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