There's an art to being a pantomime cow

Yes everyone remembered their lines. Yes the curtains worked and the stage lighting was fabulous. No I was not top of the bill which surprised me, being famous as I am. The good news, if you can call it that, was that Ms Nomates decided to join in.

Alas she has no acting experience and instead of bluffing said: ‘I don’t mind what I play as long as the production benefits’. No thespian ever says that. She dropped me right in it. I have never ever played a cow before. I would rather have played the beanstalk because at least I could have seen the audience. Nothing spurs an actor on more than watching the crowd enjoying themselves. Ms Nomates absolutely refused to play the back because she said I have a terrible sense of humour and I would, in her words ‘let one go’. I didn’t argue. What’s the point? I would play the tail and it could be seen as a case of the tail wagging the dog, if it were a dog and not a cow, if you see what I mean.

Everything went spiffingly well and I even received praise for my tail swishing. The ladies of the audience screamed as I swished my tail. ‘There are no flies on you’ remarked Dan Druff the producer. ‘No fly could survive my swishing. I was born to swish’, I told him.

For those of you who have never been a cow, there is an art to it. Even though the audience can’t see your face you have to get in to character and feel what you’re doing. Ms Nomates excelled as a cow. She could play a happy cow, a sad cow, an angry cow and a moody cow with no effort whatsoever. As you would expect my constant swishing behind her really got her going and proved to be an immense help.

Everything was hunky dory until Boxing Day when the Christmas Day sprouts kicked in. We only have them on Christmas day and for good reason. It was the first time Ms Nomates has ever embarrassed herself in front of me and by God she did embarrass herself. I swished and I swished my tail but to no avail. I tell you how bad it was, she offered to let me go in front for the second half. Groggily I accepted her offer and she promised to swish as vigorously as I had because even from the back sprouts can still make their presence known.

I think it was because we worked so marvellously together that some of the cast were jealous. There is a rivalry in ‘am dram’ unlike any other stage productions. It’s very different to being in a band. We just wanted to sing a few songs, earn a few bob and try and get a girl.

Actors want to star in a role, receive accolades and try to get an ‘Oscar’. Maybe they aim a little too high. Were they jealous because Ms Nomates and I were praised for playing the best cow ever in a church hall? Dan Druff told us that he had never ever seen a cow that could argue with itself. Something tells me he has never been married. Anyway what happened was that somebody stole our clothes and we decided that the best thing to do would be to walk home in our costume. After all it was very late, very dark and nobody would notice. There is a short cut from the church hall to our house which goes across a field. We managed to climb over the gate with the outfit still in tact and began to stroll towards the lights of our street in the distance. Ms Nomates confessed that she was relieved I had taken the head end and could guide us home.

Suddenly she let out a scream.

No it wasn’t me, I had no sprouts remember. She began to swish like crazy‘ and shouted, ‘there is a massive bull coming up behind us, what do you think we ought to do’?

You have to stay calm in those situations so I told her, ‘I’m going to chew on some grass; you had better stop swishing and brace yourself’.

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