TODAY I have masterminded a cunning plan to change my financial status to that of a millionaire by persuading you to help by claiming illicit benefits on my behalf. I can accept cheques made out to Billy Nomates but regrettably cannot take cash and have no facility to process credit card transactions.

As the meercat says in the advertisement, ‘simples’. My target is £2.5million. Why this figure? Because it appears to be that when it reaches the £2.6million mark alarm bells ring and the authorities twig something’s not quite right.

The national newspapers have alleged that a 30-year-old woman had masterminded a scam in which 172 Romanians claimed £2.6million, using illegally obtained National Insurance numbers. See what I mean? They should have stopped at 2.5! Now it is reported she’s doing time at our expense and no doubt her ‘human rights’ will look after her.

Will our representatives get the money back? Let’s wait and see what happens shall we? It’s my bet that everybody like Limpy Les, Happy Harry, Razor Ray, Roy Hoody and the other walking wounded will have to pay the price as Mr Cameron’s cronies try to craw back every penny from the real sick and infirm.

Razor Ray is so called because he is always saying, when he makes it across the road ‘Phew that was a close shave’ and Roy is the only ‘hoody’ pensioner I know. He was not allowed in the pound shop.

Those who truly deserve assistance will be forced to jump through hoops to prove they are in need. A clever ploy by the benefits people don’t you think, because if you can jump through hoops then why are you claiming benefits? If you listen to the politicians and believe what you read, you might be inclined to believe that our country is overrun with benefit cheats.

Admittedly there is probably the odd fiddler but who is really fiddling while our finances burn?

Since when has receiving anything for being disabled, been a benefit? A fiddle when one gets away with it might be seen to be a benefit I grant you. A benefit is defined as a help, a profit, or an assistance. Yes when one has not paid in to an insurance scheme you might say that is the case. Then we have the word bonus, which used to mean a gratuity, handout, dividend or pay supplement,’ usually a reward for doing well. Now a bonus is what you receive when you make a hash of things.

When I left school I had two shocks when I received my first pay packet, the first being income tax and the second was national insurance contributions.

The workers of our once great country pay national insurance contributions. The clue is in the title.

The words imply that as a nation we pay insurance in to a scheme, which is used in the event of bad health or hard times. If you choose to take out private health insurance and fall ill you get paid out. The word benefit is never uttered in the private sector so why when payments are made to our own contributors are they called benefits?

Our real walking wounded who have worked hard and fell on bad health are simply claiming against our insurance policy and let’s not forget that some of our bad health has been contributed to by the work itself especially within certain industries such as coal, chemical and constant unforgivable conditions.