MS NOMATES says that I am a hypochondriac just because I whinge and whine a little.

I whinge because it is easier than having a conversation, I whine because I need an oil change.

She forgets I have a bus pass, and for good reason. One thing I don’t possess yet is one of those shopping bags on wheels and I don’t dye my hair because I don’t mind being called a prat but I certainly don’t want to look like one.

Talking of oil changes, Ronnie Rover has had his last. He said to me: ‘I want to go to a retirement home where I can put my wheels up’. He thought it was time to hang up his headlamps.

I have to agree with him even though it grieves me. I have loved that car but you do have to put the brakes on now and again, don’t you?

Come to think of it, his brake horsepower must have dipped to ‘my little pony power’ by now, the poor old thing. I haven’t been driving him hither and thither because I thought he could probably manage the hither but it’s the thither that’s the hard part.

It always gets you in the end. He is really too old to stretch himself. On that thought, if he did I would have been the only person in the whole world who owned a Rover 414 limousine. Now there’s a thought.

Anyway, reluctantly I have agreed to let him go and I can’t tell you how painful it is.

One man who knows how to take care of him is Brian at Brian’s Auto Care in Winnington, which is where he is now. Derek and Colin at DC auto engineers have also operated on his electrics.

If only they could do the same with Ms Nomates’ wires she might be easier to understand. (Ouch!).

You’ll never guess who Ronnie’s room-mate is. She is a small caravan. As you know he and Abbi, our little caravan, have been inseparable.

He has been pulling her very proudly for years and he hasn’t limited his pulling to Abbi. Oh no!

In his time he has also pulled a Fiesta in Fleetwood, he took a mini into the mountains of North Wales and has had his wicked way with a MG midget soft top when he soft-soaped her in the carwash.

Madam Midget’s discombuberator was full of suds for weeks and as you know it can be such a difficult condition to treat. Still, all good clean fun, eh?

Lucy Laguna has been fretting. Not only has she had to endure the trauma of losing Ronnie but also Ms Nomates has had to stay away from her during her own recuperation from a serious operation.

She only went in to have a veruka bazzookered but you know what hospitals are like.

Before you know it infection creeps in and Bob’s your uncle. I did hear of one serious occasion when things went too far and Bob became your auntie.

My angel (she nearly was) was very close to….I can’t say the words. I am overcome. By the way, if anybody wants an unused coffin going cheap?

It’s not funny. I really did think she was going to….you know…there you are I’m in tears again, but even in times of desperation a bargain is a bargain.

Of course I need transport and I have to think of everybody’s feelings so I have replaced Ronnie with a young woman. She is called Caren Kia and now Lucy Laguna has the companionship of a similar temperament and there is no going back. Going back is Ms Nomates forte.

She is absolutely brilliant at reversing in to a space as accurately and efficiently as a Formula 1 driver. Going forward is where she struggles.

Let’s hope, now that Ronnie has some ‘he time’, he may meet his very own Ronette Rover and live the rest of his life as blissfully happy as Ms Nomates and I.

Comment from Ms Nomates: I’m thinking of trading Billy in for a younger model if anybody will take him. Take that back woman! Now! It’s not funny! Oh yes it is.