MY digital alarm goes off at five am. It should be six, but I can’t set the blooming thing.

Whatever happened to the good old fashioned ‘wind it up’ timepiece with a simple bell? The wishy washy bleep bleep bleep digital sounds are not my cup of tea.

Give me the old fashioned, teeth grinding, house shaking, troop rallying, ‘RING A DING A DING DONG’ bell, any day.

If it wakes the neighbours and annoys the hell out of them, so much the better.

It would be my own sweet revenge for the dog deposits in my garden, which they refuse to admit to.

I know it’s theirs, I’ve seen it do it with my own eyes.

I know it’s only small and I appreciate it’s deposits are very diddy, but flies don’t care. They don’t just land on poodle woodle doodle, they like my sandwiches too.

My alarm is locked in to local radio for some reason I can’t explain. I prefer Radio 2 or Radio 4, but don’t know how to change it.

What is it about local radio that is so annoying?

And the DJs, where do they find them? More to the point, why?

Who wants to wake up to house music at 5am? At least Wogan has half a brain and a lashing of wit to help us, gently into the land of the conscience. Local radio DJs, (I use the term DJs and not presenters) are only club or pub DJs who had a record collection at school and didn’t do any homework.

They do it to meet girls. Then they lock themselves into a little soundproof booth away from any living soul, especially girls. They are not the sharpest needles on the turntable are they?

I can’t be kind to them, I have met too many. I did a bit around the clubs, years ago and I think I know a little on the subject.

Musicians and DJs have never got on. We musicians played live and had to sing and play instruments. DJs just played records. My dad could do that.

These modern ‘presenters’ really know how to insult our intelligence. What’s more they seem to thrive on it. I swear they are cloned.

They all sound the same and troll out the same mundane, banal piffle: ‘And who’s calling? Where do you work? Do you want to say hello to everyone who knows you?’ I’m sure their mothers love them but I’m of the serious opinion than DJs are brain dead.

Footballers are just the same. All they can do is kick a ball and not all can do that properly.

They can’t string two sentences together.

It seems that the thicker you are the better you get on. My real worry for the world is when the families with DJs breed with those with footballers’ blood in their line. It upsets the balance of nature.

There have always been slower, less intelligent children, but this is cross breeding with disastrous consequences.

What happens to the dimwits who result from these unions? I tell you what.

These are the children that get jobs in certain DIY stores. I can’t mention any names but we all know who they are. It’s where the brain dead work. ‘Do you only sell raw plugs or do you sell any which are cooked?’ ‘Dunno! I’ll just have to ask someone who knows’ ‘Do you have any red paint in sky blue?’ ‘Dunno! I’ll just have to ask someone who knows’ ‘What is your name?’ ‘Dunno! I’ll just have to ask someone who knows’ Where are the big alarm clocks that you can wind up and doesn’t play local radio when it wakes you up?

‘Dunno! Do you want it to go cuckoo?

‘Do you sell cuckoos?’ ‘Dunno! But we don’t allow dogs in. They make a mess.’